Stop Doing This
Christianity in the U.S. is in decline, and if we want anything to change, we need to listen and learn from those experiencing deconstruction.
I am a solution guy. Tell me a problem and my brain will be looking for a solution before you’ve even finished telling me about it.
Professionally, this is often a gift. It helps me feel confident that every problem has a solution. I tend to take on tasks many people shy away from — for better or worse.
Personally, it can be a curse. It distracts me from seeing the often desired solution: listen, understand, empathize, and then maybe start talking about a solution.
I’ll come clean. I’ve been diagnosed with Rapid Solution Offering (RSO — officially a mental disorder as of this posting), and it has ugly unintended consequences. Why? Well, a person with RSO typically provides a low hanging fruit solution the person experiencing a problem has thought of, and for one reason or another, hasn’t proven to be adequate. By rushing to triumphantly deliver the low hanging fruit solution, you’ve essentially told that person they are a bit slow, unthoughtful, or in the worst cases, crazy.
I’m actively recovering from RSO because the solution vomit doesn’t match my intention of being an avenue of support and love.
What’s your solution?
There’s a lesser-known, dialogue squashing relative of RSO. It’s called Rapid Solution Requesting (RSR — totally in the DSM now). Instead of offering solutions too quickly, this disorder asks for a solution too quickly.
Here’s what conversations with a person suffering from RSR can look like:
- Justin: I have spent a long time thinking about this, and I really think there is a deep problem with XYZ.
- Ben: Oh. Well… what’s your solution?
- Justin: I don’t have an exact solution. You do see the problem, right?
- Ben: I guess, but humans are flawed so…
- Justin: Right. But there is a lot of information and statistics showing this problem could do real lasting damage if left unchecked. Improvement is possible.
- Ben: What’s your solution then?
- Justin: Again, I don’t know. We can start by recognizing it’s a problem and actually taking the time to talk about it.
Those suffering from RSR often use this “What’s your solution?” response as a kind of defense mechanism. It shows up most predominantly when the topic in question is something they care about or identify with in some way.
Similar to people with Rapid Solution Offering syndrome, there may be a good intention behind the question. Perhaps they really are struck by the problem and are hoping the person who leveled criticism has a solution on the ready. But many times it’s merely a shortcut to not actually interacting with the substance of a problem or criticism. It’s also a fast track to implicating the critic as a “complainer”.
Here’s a real world example — an Instagram post — showing how people with RSR can easily squash something of substance:
I think we have an over-abundance of ministries that aim to reach the unchurched. I think we have too few, if any, ministries reaching the… “churched.”
For some, Sunday services are a fresh and fulfilling experience. For others, they have become a redundant and tired droning of the same themes, references, anecdotes, songs, illustrations, and insights as they’ve heard countless times before. The repetition of ideas and emotions every single week makes the Christian life seem anything but alive.
It’s typical for churches to operate entirely on the assumed novelty of Biblical wisdom, and they turn sermon points into “drop the mic” one-liners. While that approach can be effective, it can’t be the only option on Sundays. Some churches should take the posture that their congregation, having “heard this all before,” needs to wrestle with the ever-present, and mostly private, spiritual disappointment that grows over years of active and/or passive engagement with belief.
Many churches would think to relegate this to small groups, but I find that to be an inadequate consolation. I think this is a struggle for the collective. Too often churchgoers are spinning their wheels in the mud for years, even decades, while telling themselves they’re moving. To me, the classic post-sermon conversational phrase of “I needed that reminder” is another way of saying “That idea refuses to actually stick, but I guess it won’t hurt to try it again.”
In many ways, church has become a kind of weekly New Year’s resolution, and resolutions are notoriously accompanied by discouragement and self-loathing. They’re a well-intended initiative, but they lack a healthy dose of realism.
Even as new churches emerge, many continue to appeal to those compelled by modern churchology. Right now, the people that speak the language of the “churched” are deconstructed or deconverted Christians. That’s mostly because there’s nothing left to hold them back from being brutally honest.
Can a church speak this language? Much less on a Sunday? I’m hopeful that it can, and there’s a growing number of people hoping for the same.
Thoughtful. Substantive. Hopeful.
If one wants to interact, there’s plenty of meat on the bone. And the obvious thoughtfulness implies this criticism is not from a lazy complainer. It’s from a honest truth-seeker hoping for resolution.
Unfortunately, those with Rapid Solution Requesting syndrome see this as an opportunity to turn the proverbial table and pounce with the dreaded question:
Hmm…I have some thoughts on this one. Appreciate your perspective but pretty general and sweeping.
What’s your solution?
It’s pure genius. Provide the word “thoughts” without the actual thoughts, unintentionally condescend, avoid the specific criticisms with general criticisms, and then hit em’ with it — “What’s your solution?” They’ve successfully nullified the criticism and rhetorically boxed the thoughtful individual into a corner.
Treatment
If one’s intentions are good, asking this question first is about the worst thing you can do. Maybe the critic has a solution. Maybe they don’t. Either way, starting with the potential for disrespect, condescension and evasion is not a good idea.
Here are some questions that can serve as a partial treatment plan for those who may suffer with Rapid Solution Requesting:
- Do you actually understand the problem you’re asking a solution for?
- Do you really understand their experience of the problem you’re asking a solution for?
- Have you spent the required time researching and thinking about the nuances of the problem they raise prior to asking for a solution?
- Can you explain the problem back to the person who advanced the criticism in a way they’d recognize?
- Do you think immediately putting them in the rhetorical hot seat before checking the above boxes is the loving thing to do?
For my fellow RSOs with good intentions… stop offering solutions prior to truly listening and understanding. Why? Because the problem may be different and more complicated than you initially realize.
For those who may have RSR, and have good intentions… stop requesting solutions prior to truly listening and understanding. Why?
Because the problem may be different and more complicated than you initially realize.
